'Joyful Tortoise' spends $150 million running nowhere

By Thom Fain/Briefing

Jeb “the Joyful Tortoise” Bush bowed out of the race unceremoniously after amassing a $150 million war chest for one of the largest campaign filigrees in election cycle history. It got him almost to third place a couple of times, and $4,837 worth of pizza.

Money well spent, Jeb!.

Stephen Colbert eulogized the Joyful Tortoise’s slow, unimpactful run on the latest segment of The Hungry For Power Games:


“Now, the turtle is dead. Joyful no more, and what does one do with a dead tortoise?”

Great question. An even better question might be, where does the Bush dynasty go from here? Jeb’s son George P. Bush is one-half Latino, the grandson of a president and a fast-talking former lawyer who won his first election last year, and now serves as the Texas Land Commissioner.

Jeb! swore George P. into office last summer, and Washington Post columnist Dave Weigel thinks it’s all part of a Master Plan:

1) Jeb Bush comes 4th in South Carolina, quits race.

2) Ted Cruz wins GOP nomination and presidency.

3) George P….

Posted by Dave Weigel on Friday, February 19, 2016

And it may be. While the low-energy former governor of Florida retreats back into his shell and does “really cool things,” you know, “other than sit around and be miserable listening to people demonize” him, maybe his son is plotting an upward Machiavellian movement that he may have been working on since his speech at the 1988 Republican National Convention at the age of 12. Or perhaps he’ll never get his shot, and this is Americans signaling an end to dynastic thinking altogether, a loud consensus of anti-oligarchs with digital pitchforks and no real intention to do much else but kick back with a Pabst Blue Ribbon and an anonymous Twitter handle.

Whatever the case may be, it’s pretty clear we haven’t seen the last of the Bush family. That Jeb! gave us a nice break in their political dominance with hilarious quotes and meme-worthy photo ops will be something that all journalists and satirists will severely miss, so it is in the spirit of low-energy “fun” that we bid you farewell, Jeb!.

Briefing is a GateHouse Media property. Follow us on Twitter at https://twitter.com/briefing_2016 and on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/briefing2016, or visit our website at http://elections.gatehousemedia.com/national/todaystopics.

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